Lesson in Waiting Part 2

I didn't really intend for this to be a series of blogs, but God is continuing to reveal things to me on this journey. As I said before he has been calling me to get my house in order. That means physically, spiritually, and emotionally. That has become a fulltime job, but it is definitely building some character in each member of our household.
Months ago we were praying for the New BP to be home in July, but July is almost here and we are only a little bit further along than we were 6 months ago (or at least it feels that way). It makes me take note of how unprepared we were to have that request granted. We are not ready to complete an adoption one month from now. But we are getting equipped to be ready 7 months from now.
One aspect of adoption that has recently caught my attention is what is known as cocooning. Cocooning is the initial process of bonding and attachment. It's essentially the first stages of getting your new adoptive child acclimated to family life. Each adoptive family is different in how they go through this phase. I've also been evaluating my own parenting and have come to terms with the fact that  my children  need to go through a "cocooning" phase so that we can be ready post-adoption.
Things were crazy and chaotic with 3 kids, then we suddenly found ourselves parenting an infant, and we were still forging through our adoption process. On mother's day I burst into tears because I felt like I was caving under the pressure of my own home. God put me on a  new path that very day and I vowed things would be different. Yes I was a stay-at-home mom, that homeschools, and is in charge of maintaining the ship, but it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be running from one crazy moment to the next.
God is using this time to teach our family how to really be a family.  Not just a house full of people with a smokin hot, yet frazzled maid. (Okay, so maybe I do walk around with a purple head scarf on all day...who cares. I'm smokin hot when I leave my dungeon and that is what really matters ) :-)  We are having to (re)educate our children on being part of a team, using loving words, being obedient, accountability, and responsibility. But I'm also learning I can't do that as a stressed out mom. I have to let lose and have fun sometimes.
We put them on a videogame hiatus for a week and a half. I/we focused on cleaning out the closets in order to make the rest of our home reorganisation smoother. Now that we are finished with that and most of the house, we are going to take next week to have more fun than work and hopefully finish up stage 1 of this process. The week after that I want to do all fun and almost no work. I want our relationships to be built so when the responsibilities come back into play we can feel like we are in this together.
It would have been a sad sad thing to have had New BP home and our house not be as functional as it could be. God is preparing us to teach our son how to be in a family by first teaching us to truly be one. There is a difference in being members of a family and being a family. As a family we are able to work as a unit.
I know this is only the beginning of the lessons we will learn in the next several months. He is already paving the way to test our faith in some big ways. We are about to face some major challenges as a DOD family, but God will use those too. (Probably another blog coming soon)
With each transition I experience in my life I'm able to learn that I am stronger than I thought. God is going to use me and my stories to one day help other women discover their strength. But this is what the big take away should be...I'm stronger than I think because I think about MY power, but God activates HIS power through me, which is where my strength truly comes from.
Although I (emotionally) want my son home now, God is using this time to prepare us to be the right forever family for New BP. His first experiences at home are going to have a lasting impact. I want them to be good experiences full of love, care, healing, fun,order, and education.

Lesson in Waiting

This week I have been experiencing a lot of feelings.  Our homestudy is complete and we are just waiting for it to be reviewed. This is such an exciting time because it has been a long time coming. Most families do not spend almost a full year just trying to complete a homestudy. 
I was pondering this today and all the things that have been going on over the last week or so.  I realized that God is using this extremely long wait time to get our home in order.  There are so many things physically, spiritually, and emotionally that need to be put into place so that our son can come home.  We are ready in our own minds, but God has some things in us that need to be worked out. 
I have really been cleaning house over the last week or so and it is proving to be a daunting task.  We have only lived here a year and a half and we got rid of a ton of stuff when we moved, but still here it is a year later I am getting rid of a ton of stuff.  I even did a huge spring clean right before Easter last year, so it's not even a complete year and half's worth of stuff I am dumping. 
I have realized how we need these remaining months to create a functional schedule.  We have 3 homeschoolers and an infant, so order is going to be a must. Lots of  time will have to be committed to getting the new BP adjusted to his american life, that getting the others in tip top shape beforehand is not an option.  It means reevaluating our parenting styles (which is always good anyway), giving everything a place in our home, checking in with God to see what needs to be cleaned out of our spiritual closets, and giving our days order. 
Of course what will work now will still need to be adjusted post-adoption, but making transitions now will help smooth out transition later. I am really starting to see that adoption is not something you can ever truly plan for. It is a process of faith and growth...one step at a time.  It would be completely overwhelming if God gave it all to you up front.  Just the process part of adoption alters your life, even before the child is home. Chipping away at it piece by piece is very much a testing of faith, will, and resolve. 
Some days this thing is emotionally and physically painful.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't have moments where I thought about giving up...but "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." (Prov 19:21).  This is God's plan and purpose.  We can take the easy road or the long one, but his purpose will prevail.  I would much rather go through the initial dinks and dings that are part of the process than taking a round about way just to end up exactly where God told me I was going to be anyway. 
Our son is depending on us to get this right.  God has a call and a purpose for his life.  He has people that he will impact because of our diligence.  Who am I to slow that down? BUT, I can't speed up the process either, because God needs us to have certain things in place for his arrival home. He won't do anything out of order.  Most moms spend about 3 months nesting. I guess I am going to spend the next 7 doing the same.  Our house must be in proper order; body, mind, and spirit, so that our new BP can fulfill his purpose when he is here. :D
Queen bee

No measure

I wish I could express how excited I am about the way God is moving in our lives. There is no fanciful way of wording that I can use to quite paint the picture, but the last 2 days have been awesome and this journey has been chalk full of "only God" moments.
Yesterday I received a text from our good friend saying that she dreamed about our son and that she and her husband felt God was calling them to commit a tithe to our adoption journey. They weren't planning to make a 1 time contribution, but a continued contribution.
I burst into tears as I read that message. God knows that we have an extreme uphill battle to face as we go financially through this journey. The funny thing was I dreamed about him that morning as well. I saw a glimpse of him in the orphanage and then a glimpse of him,myself, and Busy Bee in our hotel in China. How cool is that? We both dreamed about my boy; her vision leading her to contribute to his journey home and mine allowing me to see him in my arms.
This brings me to another moment. I've only shared this story a few times, because I don't believe in sharing the visions that God gives me until it becomes necessary. I am just weird about people being allowed to speak into my life things God has not given them authority to speak. When you begin to share God's vision, it opens others up to desiring to share their opinion and not necessarily them looking at things through God's perspective. Okay...now on to the story:
A few months ago. I think it may have been very late winter or early spring, I dreamed of a harvest. My family and I were getting out of our van and bringing bushels of apples into the house. When I woke up, I felt God whisper "your harvest is coming." And I believed the apples to represent the fall.
Then when the first day of fall arrived I took notice. I normally am not one to pay attention to the particular days the seasons changed, but God allowed me to notice this day and I believe he was reminding me that our time was coming. Not long after that our adoption situation changed. We chose a child, we submitted our agency application and were approved, we submitted our letter of intent and were pre-approved for "Tate". It was such an exciting string of events.
Then we hit a bump and things weren't bad, but we knew we were about to face big challenges. We had to change home study agencies, which was going to be a bit of a financial setback and not one we could see a quick fix for.
Our new agency choice is based on several factors, but we know that it's a good and reliable choice.
We began to openly express to God that we knew there was a purpose for this change and that he must have a plan. I have had friends stepping up in amazing ways to help get things going.
One friend committed to donating profits from a sale and she opened a cosmetics party on my behalf. On top of that she has helped to come up with some great fundraising ideas. She has such a heart for this...it's definitely a God-given passion.
God has really shown up in an amazing way during a very scary and daunting time. This adoption is such a huge deal to us and I see why so many people have the heart, but let the battles stop them. Between paperwork and finances, I could never continue through this without God and the amazing people he has placed in our path to help us along.
God has truly made good on our harvest. And I'm willing to say he's not done yet. This is just the beginning of what he is going to do. All he is asking us to do is trust his plan for our lives.
The other thing I got to see was how God places you in just the right "family". I witnessed a church leader go above and beyond the call of duty today. He showed the love of Christ to my niece whom I believe needed it so much in that moment. He didn't just say "I'll pray for you." And then move on with business as usual. He stopped and talked with her, he gave her something to give her a leg up, and he showed a willingness to do more than most would be comfortable with.
It was a blessing to see the church practice what they preach. That's what I love about the body of believers I attend with. That's what I love about the leaders of my church. They don't just talk a good talk...they walk in it, and they aren't ashamed of that. They are unapologetically Christian. They stand strong in their beliefs, but they also are examples of why they believe it.
There is no measure for what God can do and what God can do through others. Society wants to do the watered down Jesus thing, but he has so much more to offer (even more than the tangible things I've talked about). If people could let go of what they want God and Jesus to be and just let them be who they are...they would be surprised at the way life can bless them and those around them.
~Queen Bee

Update, Thanksgiving, and Perspective

Well this has been an exciting and equally frustrating month.  We want to update quickly, before we run off to the next set of events we have going on.
On November 6th we received notification that we have Pre-approval for "Tate".  We couldn't have been more excited to get that news.  We know that means having to kick some things into gear and try to get this ball really rolling.
Unfortunately we had to terminate our relationship with our study social worker, meaning we are back at square one in this process. We know that God has a plan for all things, even this little hiccup, and we believe that we have a new agency in mind to complete the study. We are fortunate that our social worker didn't make things as difficult as she surely could have. God was looking out for us on that one for sure.  She actually made things a bit easier for us than we anticipated, which was more than we even expected her to do. For that we are grateful, even if things didn't go like we had hoped.
This isn't going to be a long blog, but I wanted to share some perspective I received recently.  Yesterday I woke up in the morning and did my usual stuff. Read my devotions, checked my email, and logged into Facebook.  I put up a greeting for Thanksgiving, but then it hit me. I had recently read things about how in China they are not able to easily access internet service or freely use social networking like Facebook.  We have our own struggles in this country, but those little things are something we truly take for granted. People whine and complain all the time about what they don't have, but they don't stop to think that what they do have is freedom. Freedom to be an individual, freedom to have an opinion and express it.  We get up and do meaningless things everyday, whereas in some places our day to day living is outlawed.
I am grateful to live in a country like ours. I am not happy with the conditions of the way we are as a nation a good portion of the time, but at least I have the right to express that I don't like it.  I wish people could wake up and look at our life for what it truly is...a blessing. One day our freedom could be a thing of the past if we aren't carefully tending to it and not just seeing it as something that is and will always be.
As I sign off, I just want to say how blessed I am for God to choose me to mother this beautiful face.  I am grateful that he will get to experience a world of freedom. I love that God has given me perspective about where he is coming from and what I am bringing him to. I am amazed at what God is always teaching me through this journey and how some things that were once taken for granted are seen as real blessings.

The Most Amazing Author

As a writer, I appreciate a good story.  I like when a story is so well crafted that it almost makes you wonder how someone could have even come up with the details. To me the best stories are not farfetched, but they are artful in nature.

Our adoption is panning out to be just that kind of story and we are very clear that God is the most amazing author.  He is putting together details, that in one moment can seem so frustrating and in the very next have you going "Only God can make something work like that."

Two weeks ago we started a leg of this journey that changed us inside and out.  This adventure as a whole has done that in different ways, but this was a particular type of change. One that actually needed healing although we knew that it was ultimately part of God's plan.  We learned that love had no boundaries, that God builds an army of people to support you, and that understanding your strengths and weaknesses is actually a noble character trait to have. 

This week we got to see that God has not stepped out of this situation for one small second and decisions we made many moons ago had a particular role in this story.  It's been quite impressive how God has showed us who he is by what he does.  He surely is not as limited by our humanity as we are.

Somewhere early in our adoption research, we were told that China would not be an option, and even up until recently, that was the general consensus. We just barely missed the income requirements, we didn't meet the assets requirements at all, and there were medical issues that we were told they would simply NOT bend on in regards to myself.  We really didn't have a leg to stand on, so we started exploring our other international options, as well as domestic.

God in all his greatness made us push through our pain this week and began exploring what was out there.  We couldn't be wounded by the events of the past weeks.  And we couldn't allow the past adoption challenges to keep us from not looking at a child that God placed on our hearts. This is where several separate pieces began coming together to make one huge picture.

Our adoption advocate had recently put us into contact with an agency that we instantly felt at ease with. They went above and beyond from jump street and never batted one eyelash at the fact that we were not actually clients.  One of the agency reps continued to stay in email contact with me and our exchanges always seemed personal.  I have never felt like it was about our money with them.  It has always been about our family and helping us find out which child we were the right family for.

Becky (our advocate) also got us linked with an adoption advocacy site that we could use for searching children.  I then found out that they were affiliated with the agency we were (unofficially) working with, so I contacted them about 2 files we were interested in. I also continued to search our regular adoption searching haunts.  There was an advocate listed on one of the sites I used, but her blog page was no longer active. I had been trying to figure out how to contact her for months with no luck.  Well this week she turned up on one of the groups I use for searching AND wait for this....she also works for the agency we have been working with. Turned out she was in charge of the 2 files that our other agency rep sent to us. (So our advocate linked us to 2 separate adoption avenues that  then became one major connection, that was also linked to 2 other adoption search avenues we frequently use.). Are you keeping up??? Because here comes some more. :)

Our new connection (we will call her LLA), hit the ground running getting answers to even our toughest questions.  She got in touch with her program director who then got in touch with China.  2 nights ago we got a phone call around 11:30pm stating that "China is interested." *the record scratches* WHAT???? We've been told for almost a year that China was not going to accept us for various reasons. Only God...

She told us to get our paperwork together and once we get it rolling things are going to move quickly (At least for the first portion). We still had a hurdle to achieve because we knew that our social worker ( We will call her SWA) doesn't write studies for China. That seemed like a problem that was going to create a HUGE problem, to possibly include starting the entire study process over and pretty much having an expensive, useless document that says we are great parents. lol

We went back and forth trying to come up with a solution and I prayed hard.  I told God I couldn't see him letting us go through this whole ordeal only to have to start completely over and pay double the money.  Well God being who he is, seems to have already had that detail laid out. LLA put me in contact with another agency here in NC that might be able to amend our study.  I spoke to the lady on the phone explaining our situation and she already knew SWA and had worked with her before.  She didn't foresee not being able to help fix our issue...and it gets better.  Towards the end of the conversation she tells me her name.  It turned out she was the other social worker we would have opted to use if we hadn't gone with SWA. 

Nope...that isn't it.  We went into a few more details and then she explains that if we had chosen her she would have recommended that we seek out the services of another agency, because she wouldn't have had a representative this far east that she could have sent out to us, without charging us an arm and a leg. THAT is how God works.  So now we are working with our top 2 social workers, an agency we are insanely happy to work with, and there are multiple connections that God started building long before we even knew where this road was about to take us.

This journey can still take several twists and turns before the story is over.  We don't know what the road ahead will really entail. But, I know that God is definitely working things out for his glory. I couldn't have connected any of these dots on my own if I tried. God knows how to write an amazing story in such a way that the only real connection to be made is that it all involves him.  I am so grateful to where we are at this point in our journey.  He never stops showing me who he really and truly is and how much he values me.

He made us a promise in the beginning and he has not given us any reason to believe that we will not have all that he has promised, but the beautiful part is he is achieving his ultimate goal, which is helping us minster to the world around us, in hopes of drawing people into him.  He wants to write your story also. Let this be an example that no matter the odds...no matter what you are being told...if God has called it to be, he will work it all out. Nothing can stop God.  A friend of mine shared this thought the other day and it made me say WOW!!! "Never let money be a hindrance. In the kingdom of God there are many types of currencies that trump money... Faith, wisdom, knowledge...
You want resources? Put a demand on heaven. How... By attempting something that YOU don't have the resources to do. If the only things you attempt are things you can do on your own why should God help you? Think about that"

I want to share one more thing before I go.  This is a post I made the other day about the events we faced a few weeks ago...another piece that shows why he is an amazing author:
Most of you aren't aware of the journey we took through the adoption process last week, mostly because we've tried to be careful of dragging people through the ins and outs. This is the type of journey that is difficult to understand unless you are in it and it's a place where you can become very tender.
Before, getting online and searching kids was a bit of an adventure, like

putting a puzzle together. But the past 2 days have been more of a rehabilitation process. We've had to accept a decision we made, but it doesn't necessarily feel good. Not because it was a wrong decision...it was absolutely right, but our hearts need a little mending. God called us to do something and we don't get to throw in the towel simply because we are wounded.
Today I received 2 profiles and I started to tell my husband, but then I decided I don't want to put him through another let down. I don't want this process to discourage him. I am much better at sucking it up and moving on, but that's because loss is something I was exposed to early on. Not in a bad way...I just think I've had more opportunities to experience it, so I've learned to process it better. Ben was perfectly okay with me working on a need to know basis. Although this is a team effort, I need to not put more on him than necessary. My husband's heart is a delicate tool that I cherish and I won't do unnecessary damage.
Looking over the files seemed to cause an ache in my heart and I knew that was not God's desire. I know I needed to push through, like healing an injury. Going through the pain will build up the muscles needed to recover. I went to my room to pray. I told God that I was aware that I couldn't be a quitter, but I needed him to show up and help me heal. I looked over the file again and went to grab a piece of paper from my bible case sitting next to me. There was an envelope inside that I don't recall being there before. I figured it it was just some scrap that was tucked away so I was going to write on it. When I grabbed it, there was something inside. I then assumed it was something the kids made. I opened it and there were 2 cards inside. A greeting style card and a pocket card. The greeting card said: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace (Romans 15:13). The inside was inscribed: Praise and fear the Lord (Psalm 34:1-9). Be blessed. That was it...no signature. The pocket card said: Our God has not promised smooth sailing...just a safe landing. And Jeremiah 17:7 was written across the bottom. "Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence."
How awesome is that!!!! No clue where the card came from or how long it was there. The envelope was completely sealed. Like God placed it there so I could find it precisely today. God is so amazing!!!!

I hope you see this as a testimony of who God can be when we let him work out the things in our lives that we are finding difficult.  He is a better writer than any top selling author. 

~~Queen Bee

Using Life to Learn Valuable lessons

Our family took a journey this week that was very emotional.  A little excitement, a lot of anxiety, and the end result...peaceful sadness. In the midst of it all, we also gained extraordinary knowledge for when we bring home the child God has called to our home.  I don't want to rehash the whole event, because even though we are at peace with the final decision, there is still some sting that is making it difficult to hit the ground running again.  But, God will build our momentum and the adoption journey will proceed right on time.

This week I felt like I became even more prepared and empowered as an adoptive mom to be.  My husband and I learned a bit more on how to lean on one another, pray hard together, and be willing to admit when we are supposed to just be still and know that God is God.

I also got to see why God told us very early in this adoption journey, that we are NOT allowed to build this wall alone (Read Nehemiah Chapter 3 or go to my initial post to understand).  I had 3 wonderful ladies by my side, giving Godly counsel (Thank you Tracy, Jillian, and Becky) and praying with me every step of the way.  They presented the good, the bad, and the indifferent, no matter how hard it was to hear.  They wanted what was best for our family and to help us figure out what God's plan was in this leg of the journey. I have no clue how people ever do this adoption journey without having people to turn to. God has created a mountain of resources and contacts along the way and I am so blessed for it. I look back at the day that we started this journey and it seems so long ago, because we've come so far from the state of loneliness we were in during the beginning.  When I don't know something God gives me just the right person to help fill in the gaps.

I've learned through this part of our journey that love has no limits, not even in adoption. But, love also means sometimes making the more difficult choice. God means it when he says he will not leave or forsake you.  And I learned that whatever child we are blessed with, he will have some hardcore advocating parents.  We will stop at nothing to be sure he has everything he needs to be very successful in life. So I gained strength and knowledge...two things no one can ever take away from me and that can never be wasted.

I also got to spend some time with my husband this weekend and do a spiritual temperature check on my marriage. It was an amazing time. We attended The Art of Marriage conference this weekend hosted by our awesome Marriage and Family duo.  We had a chance to see how far our marriage had really come.  There was a time when many of the questions asked would have been easy to answer, because we hit every marriage issue checkoff in the book.  But this weekend, we got to see how investing in God and our marriage had really transformed it.  It had been transformed so much, that it was difficult to pinpoint real struggles in our marriage.  Don't worry...we have them (our communication skills still lack a little luster), but they no longer carry the damaging effects that would create a horrible legacy for the future of our children.

We now have a marriage that I am proud for my children to see.  We have a marriage that we hope they will model their own marriages after to some extent and prayerfully they will have an even better start, because their marriages will be an extension of the blessings from ours...meaning they can take their lives and marriages even further than ours.  And then they will pass on an even better legacy for their children and grandchildren.

I got to spend time reminding myself why I appreciate the man I married and why he is my beloved. I got a chance to reflect on the things I can do daily to improve my marriage even more. And I reaffirmed that no matter how stupid the world around me thinks I am for being the type of wife and woman I am...my marriage and life prove otherwise. I am bearing the fruit from the seeds God has planted in my heart and in my marriage.  Ben and I accepted the call a while ago to be generational legacy changers. Here's to the next generation.

This week has been faced with some serious challenges, but it has been covered with beauty, grace, and love as well.  I thank God for even the hard things in life, because in the end I am better for them.  My marriage was once a hard place, but it is a thing of beauty. That is proof enough for me that God will use our bad for his good as long as we make room for him to do so.  

 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  James 1: 2-3

~Queen Bee

3 a.m. wake up call

Normally God does these little 3 a.m. moments with me when I'm due to write a Reflections blog, but tonight was a moment when I knew I had to follow some steps of the Proverbs 31 woman. I prayed and I made it a point to pray over any person or situation that crossed my thoughts. Then I spent time preparing for the activities of the day.
I had a choice to lay in bed, toss, turn, and complain or I could make use of the precious quiet moments in my house while I had a chance. Peace and quiet is a rare gem these days with 3 of my own children, plus I've had family in town for 3 weeks, and we are diligently working towards the adoption of our 4th. Fly Lady uses Chaos as an acronym for Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. I think we have finally moved from that and have upgraded to Can't Have An Ounce of Silence. :-D (laughing at myself)
Our life is rarely quiet...we are constantly busy and often tired, but we are doing things of value. We are actively involved in our church, we homeschool, I run my business, my husband provides for his family, and is a public servant, and he is also becoming educated in a way that will open up future career opportunities and give us many many tools and resources to be the best advocates we can possibly be on behalf of our future child.
I do enjoy these quiet moments, because they are a time to reflect. This may not be a blog for Reflections, but it causing me to pause and be thankful for all that God has chosen to use me for.
I get to be a living example to my children on Christ-like living, what kind of wife to be for my girls, and what kind of wife to seek for my boy(s). I get the opportunity to minister to others and plant seeds, because they see the fruit of my family, and I give God his credit for where we are. Odds are not often in our favor and people do speak against the things we are called to do by God, but that's what makes it a TESTimony. If people give us all the reason we can't or shouldn't do what God has ordered us into and we are clear in the fact that we have to listen to God, no matter what it looks like...what argument can they later have against God when it works out exactly the opposite of what they foresaw? It's not about winning personal arguments, but about my life being reflective of God's grace and his glory. The only fight I want to win is against satan. He has too much control in the lives of those around me and the only difference between my life and the lives of others is that I loosened his grip. I gave my life back to God to do as he wanted with and it's not hard to see there is a difference when I live that way versus the other.
So yes, I'm often worn out and 3 a.m. is probably more ideal for sleeping, but I'll take a few quiet hours with God over a few extra hours of sleep any day. This definitely was a chance to inventory my life and brag on God a bit. He is putting together a much better story for my life than I ever  could have. From the midday chaos to the midnight silence. It's worth every second.

~Queen Bee